November 27, 2012

To The Mean Girl Who Made Me Cry.

 To say I never cry would not be entirely true. I do cry. Quite more than I care to admit, see. But I never cry in front of others. Ever. I lock myself in bathrooms, wait 'til everyone's asleep, bite my lip and think of hundreds of scenarios other people are going through that are thousands of times worse than whatever it is that's making me want to spill over. Recently it's been getting harder and harder to keep a stiff upper lip, I don't know, maybe it's something that comes with age, you get more sensitive and more things get to me. Who knows? It's probably against my philosophy to admit to you that I cried today, but I'll blame it on fried brain cells and ask you to forgive me and possibly never mention it again. Deal?

 Today was not one of my best days. You know how those days begin.. My alarm didn't go off; I woke up later than I was supposed to.. .then I spent the bigger part of the day hassling with a Geometry exam. Geometry isn't my strong point (understatement) and with two geometry classes a day it's hard to cram information fast enough, but if I take my time, I can do better. So there goes my morning. In the afternoon two days of school are on the menu and off I go ... 

 Then there was the dreaded part. Almost more dreaded than tackling a Geometry exam. Driving practice. You see I only have a permit. I've had it for a while, but I've yet to pass my road test. I did it again, a week and half ago.. and I failed. Again. I'm not used to failing. I never fail something I prepare for. Something I really want. Never. I don't ever remember failing at something after I'd really committed and determined I would pass. Ever. Until my road test. With every failure, I feel myself dragged lower and lower. I didn't pass because I missed one thing. I hesitated on a turn. They're right. I was wrong. I understand, a moment of hesitation at an intersection can cost a life. I get it. But it doesn't make me feel any better.

 And then today, I practiced my turns right before music class. So up and down the streets I went, left, right, stop at the light, look for pedestrians, stop, right, go, enter... I could say Abbotsford's streets are narrow, and busy, and it was dark and all the headlights confused me, it's true too I suppose, but I get it, I was wrong. I didn't see you. I should have checked a second time, in case someone was coming fast and I hadn't caught you the first time. Like you were. I get it. I went when it wasn't my turn. But I let you pass, I stopped when I saw you, you were fine, you had plenty of room, and I did see your screams and hollers the first time. You didn't need to wait for me to catch up and scream at me again. Honest. I knew I was wrong, and I meant it when I apologized time after time until you were satisfied and pulled away. I can't promise you it'll never happen again, it wasn't like I did it on purpose and perhaps someday I'll miss again, but I can promise I'll try to never do that again. 

 Maybe it wasn't a big thing, and you will never think of it again, but for me, that was the last straw, so the tears rolled down, and there were no blankets or bathroom doors to hide behind. So I tried to divert my attention, and it worked in my head, but the tears continued to roll down quietly one after the other unbidden. Great. The dumb music room is really bright. The dumb tears leave stains. People will see. Today was a dumb day and you didn't make it any better. 

 But you know what mean girl? I guess I ought to thank you. You'll make me a better person because of this. 'Cause when I get my license (which I will. Maybe not soon, but someday I will.) I'll try my best to remember to not be like you. And when a learning driver doesn't see me coming and starts turning, you know what? I'll wait for them too .. but I'll tell them it'll be ok.. and that they'll get there .. and it's all going to be fine because things like that happen all the time, but it's all good 'cause noone was hurt. And stuff happens. 

 And you know what else mean girl? Maybe I scared you, and I'm sorry I did. Maybe somewhere out there you're blogging about how "some dumb girl freaked me out and people should really stay home if they can't drive." But I won't. I'll go out and I'll learn to drive and I'm sorry if I had to scare you like I did in the process. I did not mean to. 

 So everyone out there, if you're ever tempted to scream at somebody for their bad driving, no matter what the stupid thing they did, please take a moment to consider if maybe your words won't be just the ones they need to send them over the edge. I'll be alright, I can let the tears roll, rant on the internet and soon I'll be just fine. But maybe others won't .. that whole "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" couldn't be further from the truth ... physical bruises heal, some words leave immortal wounds. Maybe the words you scream out in a flash of anger because someone didn't give their signal (something that makes me upset) or execute some other bad driving skills, will stick with them for a long time and affect their day in ways you can't even imagine. I'm not going to make a habit of posting rants on the blog. Promise. Just this one. Just tonight. Because it's not just about me, but it involved you and others we can affect. 

 Oh and mean girl, just one more thing...

"Someday, I'll be living in a big ol' city and all you're ever going to be is mean ... "

24 Wonderful people made my day!:

  1. Ohhhh, I'm so sorry. I know just that kind of sting. One time, as a full grown adult and brand new single mother, I failed to see a student at the college parking lot. He was pushing a wheelchair and trying to enter a crosswalk in time to give him right of way. I ended up stopping dead just shy of the crosswalk to let him pass, feeling awful that I hadn't seen. And then he threw the contents of his coffee cup on my dash.

    It was so crushing to be seen that way—not as spaced-out or tired, rushing home to get my kids, someone barely holding myself together with tape and glue, but as someone who just wanted to make disabled people wait while I took my own turn first. It burned, I think, for weeks, and I cried all the way home. I can still see the slant of the light, the wheelchair, the coffee as it splashed all over the glass.

    So, I think my point is that I so get it. It hurts all the worse when you don't mean it at all. And it will get better. Some days are just horrible like that. Sending hugs.

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    1. Thank you, Tara. Your words mean so much as do your hugs. :)

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  2. I really love this post- Although I'm not a brand new driver, I'm still pretty new, and when I make mistakes while in the car I feel awful enough about them without hearing the horns beep or the angry curses. It really upsets me because I'm extremely patient and it's not as if I want to get myself in an accident. People see a teenage driver and think a dumb kid who needs to learn better, when in reality I'm doing the best I can and learning every day, which is all anyone can ask of us!

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    1. Exactly! (: Thanks again Quincy.

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  3. Driving is tough. I hope your day tomorrow is much better and free of mean girls. I can't say how impressed I am that you took the time to think of her point of view. It just tells me you are a wonderful person.

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    1. Thank you Rennata .. and now I'm blushing. ..

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  4. First, don't be too hard on yourself. I took my driving test several times before I passed. You will pass, and in 20 or so years it will be funny how much effort it took.

    Second, I really like how you took something bad and turned it into a life lesson. How you are hurting now, but can see that tomorrow will be better and how you can take this experience and use it to improve yourself.

    Third, the Mean girl song reference made me grin!

    Have a beautiful day!

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    1. Thank you so much Tamara, glad I made you smile :D

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  5. Hang in there - learning to drive is hard! And those tests are even more difficult. You have a good attitude about it, I think. You understand why the rules are so strict and you want to be better. That's a mature, positive attitude.

    Bullies are everywhere. But thank you for the reminder to walk in the other person's shoes. I don't do this nearly enough, but you've reminded me of it and I will try to be better, myself.

    I hope that your day is better today. Keep your chin up!

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    1. Thank you Kate! I think we all forget at times. .. I know I do..

      And I'm trying .. ! :D

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  6. Sorry you had to deal with that. I will tell you, there are A LOT of people on the road and some are so agressive and rude. I had a man JUMP OUT OF HIS TRUCK and bang on my window and demand that I move my car (yes, the light was green,but if I moved I would be ON the railroad tracks...) You never do this. I was in tears and scared. I sat there, didn't move and continued to let him honk. When it was safe I went. Big man scaring a woman...But I tell you this so you know, that just keep learning and know you will be fine. I know I don't drive fast and have people like your mean lady yelling at me to go faster but I do the limit and don't speed. I am not on a highway. Take care my friend. Hope you day gets much better.

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    1. Wow! I distinctly remember being told to not stop on the railroad tracks..!

      Thank you Winnie. :)

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  7. Oh, Larissa . . . makes me want to hunt down mean girl and beat her up! just kidding. but i'm sorry she was mean to you and made you cry. you will get your drivers license, and when you do you will be a better, more considerate driver because of mean girl. and you're right . . . all she's ever gonna be is mean :)

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    1. Hahaha, oh Judy! Thank you. :)

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  8. New follower from GFC. Hope you hop over and return the favor.
    http://heymommychocolatemilk.blogspot.com/

    Great post!

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  9. I have a friend who is really rude to other drivers. I hate riding with her. I'm with you, everyone makes mistakes and it doesn't do anyone any good to react like that.

    (And when you're more famous than Taylor Swift, you can look back and laugh.)

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    1. Yep ... haha glad you caught the reference. (;

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  10. Nothing ruins my day more than when random strangers scream at me in traffic. Whether it's my fault or it's because I'm holding up traffic to let pedestrians go at the crosswalk, the feelings are the same. Puts me a in a bad mood for hours.

    I feel your pain. And think about Chicago in the future. Big city, great pizza. I'll beat up anyone who's mean to you. I'm super-big.

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    1. *grins*

      Thanks Marianne! Chicago here I come! :)

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  11. I am so sorry that girl did that to you. I just want to give you a big hug!! You will get your license one day and everything will be fine. This too shall pass and tomorrow will be a better day.

    Kathy
    http://gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you Kathy. I hold on to that promise. (:

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  12. Go ahead and rant when you need to, and cry. I'm sorry this happened. If she only realized how she made you feel. Good luck passing the test, I know you can do it! xo

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