To say I never cry would not be entirely true. I do cry. Quite more than I care to admit, see. But I never cry in front of others. Ever. I lock myself in bathrooms, wait 'til everyone's asleep, bite my lip and think of hundreds of scenarios other people are going through that are thousands of times worse than whatever it is that's making me want to spill over. Recently it's been getting harder and harder to keep a stiff upper lip, I don't know, maybe it's something that comes with age, you get more sensitive and more things get to me. Who knows? It's probably against my philosophy to admit to you that I cried today, but I'll blame it on fried brain cells and ask you to forgive me and possibly never mention it again. Deal?
Today was not one of my best days. You know how those days begin.. My alarm didn't go off; I woke up later than I was supposed to.. .then I spent the bigger part of the day hassling with a Geometry exam. Geometry isn't my strong point (understatement) and with two geometry classes a day it's hard to cram information fast enough, but if I take my time, I can do better. So there goes my morning. In the afternoon two days of school are on the menu and off I go ...
Then there was the dreaded part. Almost more dreaded than tackling a Geometry exam. Driving practice. You see I only have a permit. I've had it for a while, but I've yet to pass my road test. I did it again, a week and half ago.. and I failed. Again. I'm not used to failing. I never fail something I prepare for. Something I really want. Never. I don't ever remember failing at something after I'd really committed and determined I would pass. Ever. Until my road test. With every failure, I feel myself dragged lower and lower. I didn't pass because I missed one thing. I hesitated on a turn. They're right. I was wrong. I understand, a moment of hesitation at an intersection can cost a life. I get it. But it doesn't make me feel any better.
And then today, I practiced my turns right before music class. So up and down the streets I went, left, right, stop at the light, look for pedestrians, stop, right, go, enter... I could say Abbotsford's streets are narrow, and busy, and it was dark and all the headlights confused me, it's true too I suppose, but I get it, I was wrong. I didn't see you. I should have checked a second time, in case someone was coming fast and I hadn't caught you the first time. Like you were. I get it. I went when it wasn't my turn. But I let you pass, I stopped when I saw you, you were fine, you had plenty of room, and I did see your screams and hollers the first time. You didn't need to wait for me to catch up and scream at me again. Honest. I knew I was wrong, and I meant it when I apologized time after time until you were satisfied and pulled away. I can't promise you it'll never happen again, it wasn't like I did it on purpose and perhaps someday I'll miss again, but I can promise I'll try to never do that again.
Maybe it wasn't a big thing, and you will never think of it again, but for me, that was the last straw, so the tears rolled down, and there were no blankets or bathroom doors to hide behind. So I tried to divert my attention, and it worked in my head, but the tears continued to roll down quietly one after the other unbidden. Great. The dumb music room is really bright. The dumb tears leave stains. People will see. Today was a dumb day and you didn't make it any better.
But you know what mean girl? I guess I ought to thank you. You'll make me a better person because of this. 'Cause when I get my license (which I will. Maybe not soon, but someday I will.) I'll try my best to remember to not be like you. And when a learning driver doesn't see me coming and starts turning, you know what? I'll wait for them too .. but I'll tell them it'll be ok.. and that they'll get there .. and it's all going to be fine because things like that happen all the time, but it's all good 'cause noone was hurt. And stuff happens.
And you know what else mean girl? Maybe I scared you, and I'm sorry I did. Maybe somewhere out there you're blogging about how "some dumb girl freaked me out and people should really stay home if they can't drive." But I won't. I'll go out and I'll learn to drive and I'm sorry if I had to scare you like I did in the process. I did not mean to.
So everyone out there, if you're ever tempted to scream at somebody for their bad driving, no matter what the stupid thing they did, please take a moment to consider if maybe your words won't be just the ones they need to send them over the edge. I'll be alright, I can let the tears roll, rant on the internet and soon I'll be just fine. But maybe others won't .. that whole "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" couldn't be further from the truth ... physical bruises heal, some words leave immortal wounds. Maybe the words you scream out in a flash of anger because someone didn't give their signal (something that makes me upset) or execute some other bad driving skills, will stick with them for a long time and affect their day in ways you can't even imagine. I'm not going to make a habit of posting rants on the blog. Promise. Just this one. Just tonight. Because it's not just about me, but it involved you and others we can affect.
Oh and mean girl, just one more thing...
"Someday, I'll be living in a big ol' city and all you're ever going to be is mean ... "